The cycle of life will always continue. It will never end; for if it exists now it will later.

well its certainly been a while. I haven’t missed you. Well maybe I kinda have missed you. Today I found myself mowing my nana’s lawn again. Four years and still no job. So on to other news you may not know. I dropped out of uni and other then that things are still about the same. I’m still with my girlfriend yeah I know its been like a year. Though lately I feel myself drifting away from reality. I can’t find much in life that is “important” or hold real value. I want more to this, I want to be satisfied with this whole life thing. The way we live today in 2012 makes no sense. People work their whole lives for what? If you ask me we are still surviving like we were all those years ago. Instead of fighting dinosaurs we are just fighting ourself nay we have evolved from fighting each other and now we just compete. Who has the better shit! Thats what this life is (at 2012) WHO HAS THE BETTER SHIT! now me just me i ask is this really all life is? me trying to be better then everyone else. I can say I seek some sorta enlightenment and want things in life others can’t even think of because they are……well just never really thought about it. But is this my own way of making myself better then other people. If I did reach enlightenment would that mean I would be better then everyone I went to high school with? Would it mean i’m better then the rich and famous?..would my family look up to me and be all like “I wanna be just like him he did good”? Yes it may just be my loop hole to happiness. I have a better understanding of life aka I got the better shit. It just makes me one of them. To want/have enlightenment YOU have to want it for the right reasons and I can honestly admit that deep down I just fucking want it to be better then everyone else. Knowledge is the true power but understating and knowing how to use it thats enlightenment. SO WHAT life goes on and it always will; earth or the next planet though one thing always remains the same. There is always a bigger picture. peace out war in goodbye and untill next time.

The meaning of life; part 1, life itself

More then once in your lifetime you will question life itself. Its important to what exactly lead you to ask this question in the first place to understand the deep dark reality of the answer many have tried to answer. In my experience whenever I started to question “life” I would always be in a dark place of my life. By dark I really just mean not as bright as it would be. Never have a started to ask about my existence while having a good time. I don’t know what the whole reason is to why we are here. Though I doubt anyway one will but we can at least look at the facts. On the grand scale of the universe we are less then a speck of dust that exists for less then a micro millisecond. In other words compared to the universe you don’t mean shit. Tom Cruse don’t mean shit and the pyramid  of Egypt don’t mean shit. Actually our whole solar system and all that we know doesn’t mean anything. WHAT!? IT MUST MEAN SOMETHING!? You don’t understand. The universe is old as fuck and earth is still a fucking baby and will probably die as a baby compared to the UNIVERSE. Mother nature at her finest……always wins. this is probably;y why your god doesn’t give a fuck about you and also why he/she won’t give you the winning numbers in the lottery or the power of flight or just super powers in general. WHAT I’m trying to say is compared to the universe you don’t mean shit.

The meaning of life; part 2, the connection

I’m not saying your life doesn’t mean anything. To you to me “life” means EVERYTHING. to live to survive is our fundamental instinctual idea of life. Though in today’s world (2012) to most people is having a “good life” or the society standard of a good life. Most people who arn’t having a “good life” seem to be more on the suicidal side of things. So we have this sorta connection between suicidal death and questioning the existence. I know I could be wrong but I would like to think people who commit suicide at least think about it before hand and question “life”.Do you know of anyway one who had committed suicide who was in a great stage of their life? NO of course not.

The meaning of life; part 3,The answer

So in the dark times of our lives or when we are down and hanging our with the miserable monster we will ask ourself and question our very own existance. Now what about when we are having a good time? The question that you will recurring ask yourself in life when you are having a good time is in fact the answer to the meaning of life. Their isn’t a question we simply enjoy! 

Stand for all you have, fall for all you want……..this is truly what you need 

 

Oh hey GUYS and GRILS( Girls) Its been a while. Almost too long. I really have to pick up my blogging. Otherwise the world just might end. Didnt you know? My Blogs hold the internet in place! If I don’t blog the internet will fall and THEN WHAT WILL WE DO. Everyone just might start to believe in Jesus again. Sorry if you actually do believe in Jesus I really mean it. I feel sorry for you. I didnt want to start my blog about Jesus/religion but It really has crossed my mind. The whole religion thing is something more to believe in. “it’s really Hope” yeah it may not be true but why wouldnt you want some sort of hope? or purpose? Religion really gives you that. Without hope you will be left in a dark place. That “giving up” feeling only exists  when there is no hope. If I ever have twins It would be quite cool to name them “Hope” and “faith” but they would probably get the shit payed out of them. Though I think I do enjoy the good old metaphor a bit too much.

 

Back to blogging. Yes, its that time again where I express my feelings and my life. So what’s been going on? Well recently I took some pills well a pill I’m pretty sure it was some sort of anti-depressant but all I know it was for insomnia and anxiety. SO IM NOT SURE IF PILLS MADE FOR INSOMNIA AND ANXIETY ARE ANTI-DEPRESSANT. Also you really shouldnt be taking pills unless your doctors tell you too! well you may take Panadol and shit or those antihistamines. Okay;you know what I mean! I felt strange. Different. My sleep was really deep but more interestingly was my dreams. They were so well coloured and remember-able.  Though total crazy shit like most of my dreams so nothing new. Though I do remember the colours;they were bright. I feel like that was a harsh way to end a sentence. MORE NEWS.

I am Officially(even on Facebook) in a relationship. She is amazing 🙂 I’m quite proud of myself for actually getting such a awesome girlfriend! I need a medal! well it would be cool to have a medal though I wouldn’t wear it out. It would be put in a place where I would be looking for something infront of someone and that someone would see it( a bit confusing wording? I KNOW GOD DAMN IT) Anyway that someone would see it and be all like “whats that?” (looking at the medal) and I would be like “oh this old thing?”. Oh side tracked a bit. Her name is Caitlyn. She is wonderful. I really didn’t know I was capable of dating such a awesome person. Its hard to find someone with such great humour. Awesome taste in music and art. Though the best thing about her is that she is real. She doesn’t hide who she is. She just be’s herself, she isn’t fake. Oh I could maybe go on and on and sound like one of those fucking 13 year girl with their fucking new boyfriend who they are so fucking  in love with. Maybe for another time. 

One thing I can’t stand and never have been able too, is when you make a plan with some one and they cancel out moments before the “plan” is about to begin.  Its one of the most worst feelings in the world. The feeling is incredibly bad. Just plain BAD. It’s just so sudden too! I think that’s the worst part of it. You can be looking forward to something for how ever long and as soon as you get close enough to grasp, to feel,to hold it vanishes just like that. So a lesson; try not to make a plan you can’t follow through on if you want Kyle to stay sain.

So I recently been to the sunshine coast to visit my Bubu and my aunty (Bubu is PNG for Nan) I feel alkward when I refer to my Bubu as my nan I REALLY DO! Its like calling your mum by her name it JUST DOSEN”T FEEL RIGHT! The Sunshine coast is a place that I hardly miss. It’s so wrapped up in its fucking pop culture I HATE IT! Anyway A note to self: When you see a red hair person with a epic beard talk to them for they bring extream good luck. Last time I talked to one i got offered work experience at channel 7 news. WHO WOULD OF KNOW PEOPLE WITH NO SOULS COULD BRING SUCH GOOD LUCK. Oh my nan is fine and my aunty is doing great. I realised its been almost 5 years since I been To my Bubu’s house. Its strange because It doesn’t feel like that long.

So lately I been reliving well sorta of reliving a non single life I guess. Yeah I been S.M.A.C.E-ing  (which stands for sorta maybe almost seeing eacother). It’s strange. Its crazy how emotions for some one can develop rapidly not matter how much you try not to let them. I never been real good at the whole relationship thing it seems I’m always the one to get the worst end of the stick at the end of the day. Always heartbroken in the end. You would think after a while you would develop some sort of tolerance for this. I mean have a heart of steal that just didn’t care as much. Though not me, I’m such a little bitch. I always thought I’m like that because I really don’t hate much so I’m just full of love. I need to hate more things( well people.) Though I wouldn’t even know how too. The people I could only start to hate are the ones I loved. 

Now, I sing and drink and sleep on floors
And try hard not to be annoyed
By all these people worrying about me
So when I’m suffering through some awful drive
You occasionally cross my mind
It’s my hidden hope that you are still among them
Well are you?

 

I have honestly forgotten how lame I like to be. I watched video, I made with friends as a kid(grade 10). Its about 3 criminals who suck at being criminals so they train up and eventually get hired by Ronald McDonald(for no apparent reason) to  assassinate Jesus the hamburger who is actually a stapler. Its not worth watching. It goes for 10 minutes! Anyway it was lovely to see me as a kid. No worries no fear. makes me wonder if I’m ever going to look back of a photo of me now. Thinking the same thing. Life right now has been quite strange. Well today and the past two weeks its been hectic. Though I see now everything that has happened in the last two weeks lead up to one decision or more of a train of thought. it’s amazing. I mean if one thing didn’t go wrong I wouldn’t be here now blogging about it. Now you can say everything happens for a reason but don’t get cough up that its always going to be a positive outcome. Everything happens for a reason because something has to happen.

 

There is a over a billion trillion paths your life could take you; though there is only one road/path you can take. You could say some things are just fate or that it’s not! Or you could just marvel at the beauty of it all. Today I decided to be true to my feelings. Which to me is a big deal. I constantly lie to myself and always try to avoid my feelings. manipulating them because feelings fuck you around. No feelings, No Tears. Though I have had enough. Today I expressed what I actually wanted AND IT WAS BEAUTIFUL! I really never felt so…..lifted! I feel like a positive. I feel good. Lifted 😀

Who knows, Who’s nose?

August 11, 2011

Right now I want to crawl into my bed, cover all of my body in blankets. So everything is dark and warm. Untill I get so hot that I can feel how cold my tears really are. Then wait for that monster I’ve been hiding from to wake me up. That way I will know that this is all just a dream. A bad fucking dream and unreal chain of events that were my imagination.

I can’t remember the last time I cried sober;I know for a fact that I will never forget it again. Life is meant to suck. Shit happens and you have no control over. With that in mind shit doesn’t happen, good and bad SHIT! Though you can keep telling yourself this so you can sleep at night but one day something is going to get under your skin. Something so unexpected that makes you want to just bleed until you can’t bleed no more. Yeah have fun sleeping tonight boys and girls.

You say you know this misery
Well that’s no more than sympathy for me 
Because this time you were faking
Your motive very questioning
This silence is so defining now 
You see you’ve got me shaking
Screaming cursing then you spit 
And saying all your worthless shit
And I, of course, I’m worth hearing
And I don’t know of what I sing
But you, my friend, don’t know anything 
And that’s what makes you not worth fearing!

 

It’s finally time. Dreaded when this day would bust through my door and stare into my eyes; That moment when you just know shit is going to go down. It’s mostly the eye staring that gives it away. Though I wanted patiently while wishing I was more prepared, I know that I could never be. Preparation is everything now days. Iv’e never had good organisation skills and I regret not being able to develop them. Though I guess I have the rest of my life to change that; I guess i have the rest of my life to do a lot of things. So you are probably wondering whats going on in the life of Kyle? how selfish of me.

I have to give up on my current lifestyle. I snapped! I just can’t take this any more. This isn’t healthy for me one bit.  I can’t, I just can’t! It’s starting to bring the worst out of me. I need to change or at least adapt. I need some sort of realisation or epiphany. Or maybe both at the same time like a super epiphany of epic miraculous realisation. Something cool like that. Though I really can’t keep doing this. My self hatred and signs of depression are getting to me. JUST FUCK OF DEPRESSION NO ONE LIKES YOU! Though the sad part about it. It’s all because I’m happy. Yeah what the fuck? I want to believe its all in my head. Please tell me its all in my head. Though Its real. I’m just not meant to be happy. My body just won’t let me. Maybe I need to see a therapist. Though I can’t stand people telling me my own problems. Maybe it’s all in my head.

Lately I’ve been wishing I had one desire.

 

Hey everyone, I know, I know I haven’t blogged in a while. I have been meaning too. Sometimes I get drunk and really want to WORDPRESS some shit out then I realise i’m at some sort of party and I have to entertain. I always have to entertain sometimes I feel like a clown not many people would know how upsetting my life is. I know Its not anything to complain about “it’s life;its meant to be fucked up” Though I really do hide away all the bullshit in my life like its some sort of special power. Every once in a while it does takes its toll. I’m not saying I’m he only one like this, i do know plenty of people who do the same though aren’t as entertaining/full on with their friends. So lets talk about my life! IT”S BEEN A WHILE or a whale. It’s been a whale a killer WHALE. Orcas (aka as the Killer whale) are in danger because of human contamination of their waters. Recent studies have found that they are among the most contaminated marine mammals.

Life is what it should be at the moment. BALANCED! Following a terrible stroke of bad luck I found my days are getting better and better. I also Found out that Bright Eyes is coming To Brisbane!!!!  I can hardly explain how excited I am to see them live! The best way to put it is. After I see them live I will have the ability if a choose to do so commit suicide. Though thats just today,I think we should BACK TRACK A BIT!  I went to Gladstone for my holidays. It was really a last miniute thing. Raymond (my bestie) said he would be coming to Brisbane. When I found out his sexy ass wasent coming to Brisbane I was not going to let him get away from me that easily! So the next day I left for Gladstone and ended up missing my train. SHUT UP IT WAS A SMALL MISTAKE! turns out I can’t read time tables. I saw Raymond in the end. Though I didnt talk/ spend as much time as I wanted too I still saw him. Gladstone is what I really needed. I didnt realise how much I needed to get away from fucking Goodna/all the bullshit down here! On my days off here I sit on Facebook,listen to music and do NOTHING! Facebook is so draining. I hate being on it all of the time! I need more things to do. I know my life can be better, why don’t I make it better instead of making it worst!! whats with all these exclamation MARKS!!! ARHHHHHHHHHHH. Well I need to talk to you guys later about some Important things! so untill then be safe xxox

Man #1 :we are all searching for a cure

Man#2 :A cure for what?

Man#1 : Does it matter? As long as we are searching, we might find something.

 

(I feel like I’m being sexist. I mean I just used Men and no Women in that thing above me. Thought if you feel like I’m being sexist, you should probably get fucked and go live in a house with 17 windows you freak!)

So it’s that time again that i start talking about my life because i know you guys are so excited about my life. This week has been going pretty fast and action packed and no doubt I have learnt about many things and thought about others. I realised My relationship with my farther is more of a school Principle relationship rather than a Farther and son thing if you didn’t know. I’m really the odd one out. Out of all my brothers I’m the least closes to my Dad. Yeah I’m more of a mothers boy. Though because I’m a middle child it’s really never worked out like it suppose too. I guess mid way through my life I had to start comforting myself  in other ways to compensate for the lack of “attention” I lusted for. I guess thats why I’m so good at making friends. I also grew attachment to inanimate objects. Having myself to play/entertain myself. falling in love with video games. Yeah things are pretty fucked up. Though it could be worst and I’m thankful that I have to deal with his then my brothers.

Another thing that has dominated my mind lately is death. Well old age. Amnesia! I mean losing your mind is a crazy thing to think of. I mean whats the point of life if you can’t remember shit! Though a day is going to come where everything is going to come to an end or when no one will miss you/remember you any more.  It’s really depressing to think about. Thats just life imagine how many people thought of this hundreds of year ago. All those people who just mean nothing whose names are forgotten. Though they have had a bigger impact on our lives then we could guess. I mean if you went back in time a thousand years ago and killed 1 a random child. Everything would be so different. Our impact on this world may seem small however larger than we think. Though it might seem pointless maybe it has more point to it then we think? Who the fuck knows. Deal with it.

 

So I guess I’m going to start to talk about my love life,Because its juicy! Yes so juicy that you could make some sort of juice drink. I myself is terrified about by this whole love thing. I’m really not sure if I’m actually capable. I mean my heart has been out of action for so long I wouldn’t really know how you can actually work it. I mean if A heart defies logic you are pretty much fucked. Or are you? there is really no telling who or what feature physical or non physical is the best. Perfect people don’t exist and if they did you wouldn’t be close to even breathing their air from their lungs. I mean come on, You aren’t  perfect. Perfect people are too busy non existing then to look at blogs.  Though The truth is I want to lie with you. The truth is you aren’t worth missing out on. The truth is you’re amazing;we;; I think so.

you made my head ache. You were that great but now you’re gone and life is wonderful.

Oh Mr Kyle you have gone way too far this time. I must admit; you did know this was going to happen. What an adventure though. 

Hey guys, whats been up? oh yeah that’s right you can’t reply 😦 I guess I will tell you about me then?

Life at the moment is so chilled. I’ve been doing nothing but listening to bright eyes and playing League of Legends. Well other things but I have really just been doing nothing. Finally there is peace in my mind and its beautiful. I began dreaming a lot. Just about random things. I’m afraid I wont have so much peace in my mind. The fact is shit is about to go down. It has too!  I mean peace doesn’t last forever something has to disrupt it. Though I am prepared. OH I started making Youtube videos again. Hopefully I don’t give up on making them.

So I have some important stuff to Blog about. Lately I been trying not to get my heart all warped up in something they may hurt it. It’s not easy. Though it is possible, it just comes with a cost. (As everything does) I have a strong belief that at a certain point feelings can’t be changed on demand or with any reason. Feelings are just jerks like that! Though they can be manipulated. Deceiving yourself is a way to do so. Though it can make you go insane. Mixed emotions are terrible! Well to me they are unbearable. I really can’t stand it. Its like there is splits sides of me and mixed emotion invokes a constant argument/battle with myself. I fight with yourself you can never really win. Even if you do win you are still losing. There is no worst or better end of the stick you just suck so don’t fight yourself. The reality is though I would rather suck then get my heart hurt again. I think most people would just suck.

Though I decided to follow my feelings. In the hope they will lead somewhere awesome. I mean no matter where they lead me, I’m sure It won’t be that bad.

 

Shaco. Everything about him ❤