The sky will be full of beauty while on the ground quite the opposite.

 

Deeper and and deeper I fall into this dullness. Days are hard to understand and I can honestly say I have lost my way. What is going on!? I search for such answer. I have come across these problems and every time I have conquered I have over come. I have won my battles but now oh now is the greatest fight. One that I will never forget. It’s funny how the mind wors and its even funnier how your mind works. You see I have ways of dealing with these mental problems I have calculation and understanding how and why but now, I can’t even scratch the serfece of my mind. I can’t understand what is going on anymore. I’m finding it so hard to grip onto reality and I cling to anything else that will offer me out of my torment like a child to his or hers mother. It’s deverstating. The worst part is this total lack of emotion. I feel nothing I feel so carefree to the point it makes me sick. I can’t even feel my own girlfriend’s love. I know it’s there I have just seemed to missplaced it. I’m starting to have brief head pains from just thinking to much. I miss caring about someone so much that it matters more to you then anything. Though I am so tormented that I can’t even lift a finger to do anything about it. Yeah I could lie I am capable of faking it but that is not what you do to someone you love or is it? I doubt I could even shed a tear if we departed from eacother. I know thats aweful to say but my mind is so twisted right now it will allow that. All I can say is sorry. The more I try and understand and change this darkness the more I start to believe I can’t. If I keep this up I will lose her but not only that. I;m afraid its lonleness forever for me. Though I can’t be selfish. She deserves a person who will love her. Me, I deserve nothing. I have let this happened it twas by my doing. I’m not strong enough to over come this i am not worthy of love. well thats my crazy man rant today.

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The cycle of life will always continue. It will never end; for if it exists now it will later.

well its certainly been a while. I haven’t missed you. Well maybe I kinda have missed you. Today I found myself mowing my nana’s lawn again. Four years and still no job. So on to other news you may not know. I dropped out of uni and other then that things are still about the same. I’m still with my girlfriend yeah I know its been like a year. Though lately I feel myself drifting away from reality. I can’t find much in life that is “important” or hold real value. I want more to this, I want to be satisfied with this whole life thing. The way we live today in 2012 makes no sense. People work their whole lives for what? If you ask me we are still surviving like we were all those years ago. Instead of fighting dinosaurs we are just fighting ourself nay we have evolved from fighting each other and now we just compete. Who has the better shit! Thats what this life is (at 2012) WHO HAS THE BETTER SHIT! now me just me i ask is this really all life is? me trying to be better then everyone else. I can say I seek some sorta enlightenment and want things in life others can’t even think of because they are……well just never really thought about it. But is this my own way of making myself better then other people. If I did reach enlightenment would that mean I would be better then everyone I went to high school with? Would it mean i’m better then the rich and famous?..would my family look up to me and be all like “I wanna be just like him he did good”? Yes it may just be my loop hole to happiness. I have a better understanding of life aka I got the better shit. It just makes me one of them. To want/have enlightenment YOU have to want it for the right reasons and I can honestly admit that deep down I just fucking want it to be better then everyone else. Knowledge is the true power but understating and knowing how to use it thats enlightenment. SO WHAT life goes on and it always will; earth or the next planet though one thing always remains the same. There is always a bigger picture. peace out war in goodbye and untill next time.