Now, I sing and drink and sleep on floors
And try hard not to be annoyed
By all these people worrying about me
So when I’m suffering through some awful drive
You occasionally cross my mind
It’s my hidden hope that you are still among them
Well are you?

 

I have honestly forgotten how lame I like to be. I watched video, I made with friends as a kid(grade 10). Its about 3 criminals who suck at being criminals so they train up and eventually get hired by Ronald McDonald(for no apparent reason) to  assassinate Jesus the hamburger who is actually a stapler. Its not worth watching. It goes for 10 minutes! Anyway it was lovely to see me as a kid. No worries no fear. makes me wonder if I’m ever going to look back of a photo of me now. Thinking the same thing. Life right now has been quite strange. Well today and the past two weeks its been hectic. Though I see now everything that has happened in the last two weeks lead up to one decision or more of a train of thought. it’s amazing. I mean if one thing didn’t go wrong I wouldn’t be here now blogging about it. Now you can say everything happens for a reason but don’t get cough up that its always going to be a positive outcome. Everything happens for a reason because something has to happen.

 

There is a over a billion trillion paths your life could take you; though there is only one road/path you can take. You could say some things are just fate or that it’s not! Or you could just marvel at the beauty of it all. Today I decided to be true to my feelings. Which to me is a big deal. I constantly lie to myself and always try to avoid my feelings. manipulating them because feelings fuck you around. No feelings, No Tears. Though I have had enough. Today I expressed what I actually wanted AND IT WAS BEAUTIFUL! I really never felt so…..lifted! I feel like a positive. I feel good. Lifted 😀

Who knows, Who’s nose?

August 11, 2011

Right now I want to crawl into my bed, cover all of my body in blankets. So everything is dark and warm. Untill I get so hot that I can feel how cold my tears really are. Then wait for that monster I’ve been hiding from to wake me up. That way I will know that this is all just a dream. A bad fucking dream and unreal chain of events that were my imagination.

I can’t remember the last time I cried sober;I know for a fact that I will never forget it again. Life is meant to suck. Shit happens and you have no control over. With that in mind shit doesn’t happen, good and bad SHIT! Though you can keep telling yourself this so you can sleep at night but one day something is going to get under your skin. Something so unexpected that makes you want to just bleed until you can’t bleed no more. Yeah have fun sleeping tonight boys and girls.

You say you know this misery
Well that’s no more than sympathy for me 
Because this time you were faking
Your motive very questioning
This silence is so defining now 
You see you’ve got me shaking
Screaming cursing then you spit 
And saying all your worthless shit
And I, of course, I’m worth hearing
And I don’t know of what I sing
But you, my friend, don’t know anything 
And that’s what makes you not worth fearing!

 

It’s finally time. Dreaded when this day would bust through my door and stare into my eyes; That moment when you just know shit is going to go down. It’s mostly the eye staring that gives it away. Though I wanted patiently while wishing I was more prepared, I know that I could never be. Preparation is everything now days. Iv’e never had good organisation skills and I regret not being able to develop them. Though I guess I have the rest of my life to change that; I guess i have the rest of my life to do a lot of things. So you are probably wondering whats going on in the life of Kyle? how selfish of me.

I have to give up on my current lifestyle. I snapped! I just can’t take this any more. This isn’t healthy for me one bit.  I can’t, I just can’t! It’s starting to bring the worst out of me. I need to change or at least adapt. I need some sort of realisation or epiphany. Or maybe both at the same time like a super epiphany of epic miraculous realisation. Something cool like that. Though I really can’t keep doing this. My self hatred and signs of depression are getting to me. JUST FUCK OF DEPRESSION NO ONE LIKES YOU! Though the sad part about it. It’s all because I’m happy. Yeah what the fuck? I want to believe its all in my head. Please tell me its all in my head. Though Its real. I’m just not meant to be happy. My body just won’t let me. Maybe I need to see a therapist. Though I can’t stand people telling me my own problems. Maybe it’s all in my head.