Well, summer’s gonna come.
It’s gonna cloud our eyes again.
No need to focus when there’s
Nothing that’s worth seeing.

Well, winter’s gonna end,
I’m gonna clean these veins again.
So close to dying that I finally can start living

I Really like the bold part. the Lyrics are from another bright eyes song. actually im going to make it my Facebook status. If you have been reading my blogs i have mentioned something about a resurrection, i predicted that it would come around the 13th of may, However nothing happened on that day besides failing my P’s test again and spending time with uncle Rodney. I REALLY believed that my life would just start working out. I think a week after that day I started to do shit that I shouldnt, I gave up on everything. Takeing anything chance that would just make me feel that bit better. Drinking anything that would make me forget anything. “Fuck Life, Fuck everything” It’s so hard to belive so hard to chew that i let myself become like that. Anyone who knew me would not guess for a second that I would do half the shit I been doing. I was so over life, I felt like giving up,pulling up my white flag,admitting I was too weak to win. Then it came. Oh it came.

The day that I longed for,my “resurrection” It was so damn beautiful. I almost cried,It was so good. Everything in my life is really how I want it to be. Things are no longer looking up, They are up. I’m fucking Shinning! I feel a glow that I believed couldnt never come back. My face lights up the darkest of thoughts when I smile. A huge weight has been lifted of my back, while holding it I became so strong, now im free, now im faster,stronger,smarter and just better in everyday then I was before. I have been given so much good luck in the past few days. I’m so grateful. It’s finally over. or has it just began?

Dear my Friend.

May 22, 2010

Even if deep inside my chest my heartstrings are pulled out to look at
all that will come out will only be pleasant memories of fun..
It’s simply that, I have always loved you.
That’s all, although it’s just that,
that was all that was in me.
And even now, I love you unchangingly.

 

It’s so simple.

201 days later.

May 11, 2010

HELLO.

So its like 12:24 AM and im pretty bored. Today I recovered from my weekend, sleeping all day(Y). I never really had so much weird dreams. I get really messed up dreams during the day. I actually had two in class,YES i fell asleep in class. No more drinking on UNI nights. ONTO other news  I brought these amazing pants/jeans, they aint denim but they look like it, like you can’t tell unless you feel them. I wore them for the first time and they are so comfy! a bit too much if you know what i mean. I was just sitting there and suddenly feel something awkward in my pants :S. ONTO MORE interesting news. I made a cake out of cupcake mix! do you still call it a cake? or a “cupcake cake”? I need to do some assignments, but word pressing is 67812 % more fun! So I decided I am going to apply for jobs really soon. I just havent recently because of certain events to take place. I think everything is clear to come out of my shell. I’m 84% sure they are. Well things are great I have to admit.

It’s just the fact they could be better just creates this dramatic dull feeling across my body. But hey that’s life,it always could have been better. I have always said “forget don’t regret” I soon to realise its impossible to forget and almost impossible to not regret. I have an EPIC memory I doubt its going to forget anything anytime soon. Things are looking up,they been doing that for a while now. I am thinking of winning the lotto, I decided that just make my life pretty awesome. If I did i would totally update my Facebook status and buy an amazing/sexy car and drive to mexico or something. I find it a fun thing to think about.  I don’t know really what to talk about,im completely out of shit to press onto a word form.

It’s not really hard for me to conjure up a plan. Just having the motivation to do it(i use the word “motivation” a lot in my blogs) Today it really started to get on my nerves of how pathetic and ridiculous I have been acting for the past few months. I dislike how my life style is at the moment. The way I have been living hasnt really bothered me much up untill now. I really want  to change my drastic retarded crap eating life style but not as much to make me do something about it. Its only gotten to a stage where im blogging or talking about it. First one of my biggest problems is having no money at all. Which makes my second problem super saoin! I mean if I was rich my problems wouldn’t be so HUMUNGO,or on fire. like people look at other peoples life and say “man, That guy has some problems” then they look at mine “Hey that guy has some problems,and they are on FIRE. OH MY GOD”. My problems have problems.i may be exaggerating a bit but that’s just what humans do when they are upset at life and think their life is pretty dull So one simple solution is to apply my self to get a job.

OH MY GOD

 

Put out the fire and carry on but that water will create a river so make sure you are ready to build a bridge……toll free because everyone likes toll free bridges.

There is a cat in the window of the house of my lover.
Well she sleeps there alone now
or perhaps with another
but I try not to think about
 that.
I try not to think at all.
I get cocaine from this girl I met
and my brother buys me alcohol.
And I stay up all night walking
through these houses I have grown to hate
and my parents ask if I’m all
right I say “I’ve just been staying up too late.”
I need to sleep. I
need to do something to get this awful weight up off my chest and keep
her pretty ghost from chasing me
So you say there are spaces open and
wide.
belive me there’s days longer than nights.
And you will be happy
the minute you try, but you don’t try.No you don’t try.
And you speak of a
fever that burns you inside. As you explain to your mother how you
have wanted to die. So she kisses your fingers and says “My Darling
but why? When there is so much more. There is so much more. Do you
know there are spaces open and wide?. Believe me, there are days longer
than nights. And you will be happy if only you’d try. So won’t you
try? Won’t you try?”

I found this lovely little song today actually,decided to put it up instead of using my brain power to write something deep and meaningful

We all know the tables have turned,but what are you gonna do when the tables burn?. -lil Wayne

I have less than 2 weeks of this shit. According to my belief that on May 13th my life should just start working out EPPICLY. If things don’t well,I’m going to try to get rid of this curse and do something stupid like become a painter after becoming blind(Y). I’m just sick of feeling like shit all the time. My behaviour has not improved at all. Its getting worst, Im getting worst.  My life is just a fucking mess to what it’s used to be. There is just no more motivation to get it back on track, too much effort for what?. I chilled so much back in the day, hardly a worry in the world. Life was good but not great.

Now I’m thinking about my past life,shit. Well I have nothing really interesting to blog about. “I can change, I would do anything for you” was something that I actually said to a girl . turns out I never did change.  I still manage to do the exact same thing. You bet I have changed now though (evil laugh).  I don’t even recognise my self anymore. I look into the mirror every morning and ask”who the fuck are you?””who am I?” then it would reply with”I’m just a mirror I don’t know much” . I have to start to…… just make every thing right not wrong. Stop living in a lie or in lies or above lies and over lies (which is kinda like above but not really) I would also would like to stop living under lies and beside lies.Oh no to mention 35 degrees upwards on the left of lies. hahaha some how I didn’t picture it to turn out like this. All I can do now is laugh. Hope for the best. WAIT. screw hopping,I gotta grab the best. I’m not going to wait for things to just turn out right,stop thinking that everything is going to be alright. My life is not a movie, my happily ever after does not exist. So i should start living in the truth(Y) maybe above the truth and over the truth, and so on and so on

One Day

 

so here I am. Its only 10:28pm and I need sleep.I have Uni tomorrow I think. have like 3 assignments due next week. I WILL DO THEM WEDNESDAY.(more lies) So my long weekend was really random.Whatching “yes man” gave me motivation to say YES to everything. After doing it for one night I have decided to give up for the better of my life. ALL because it led to me and my cousin hitching a ride home. HITCH HIKING IS FUCKING SCARYYYYY. I don’t suggest anyone to do it,but it was an adventure that turned out alright. It didn’t really lead to a girl on a scooter but hey,I had a hell of a story to tell.  So I been doing stuff im not pleased of. SO I did some things that I am pleased off(Y). 🙂 I don’t belive in karma however i do belive in most of it. You do good things,good things would come your way. However I belive more in ying-yang concept. BALANCE. There is a good and bad side to everything. If your life it good it will turn bad eventually. If your life is bad it will turn good. When you think of a druggos or homeless people or kids in third world countries you suddenly think that this concept doesn’t work, but maybe that bum of a druggo is more happy than you are. Imagine that. The happiest people are the ones doing drugs. I’m not really sure about those african kids though. well I have had enough. If something good happens later on something bad will happen and vise versa yo.

Goodnight

now im drunk as hell
on a piano bench

and when i press the

keys it all gets

revered

 the sound of

loneliness

makes me happier