Fixed Freedom

June 19, 2015

“large shoes”

How

do

you

feel?

how do you work this thing?

Think more. Think more. Think more. Stay awake. Think more. Think more. Stay awake. Stay awake. Think more. Think more. Stay awake. Stay awake.

You don’t have to know how you feel bro, just that you do and it totally weird mannn.

Feel more. feel more. feel more. feel more. feel more. feel more. Go To Sleep. Go To Sleep. Go too Sleep. Go too Sleep. Think more. Think more. Think more. feel,sleep,think,think,sleep,think feel,feel think,think feel,think,feel,sleep,sleep,think,stay awake,stay awake,think,think,think,think,think harder,Think Harder,think More,sleep think, feel. Stop feeling;Stay Awake.

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The universe created itself; to consume itself; to created more of itself;too eat. My love is

flawed. My love was flawed from the start. To love freely, this is my only gift to myself and to you. I cannot desire anything from you that I can’t desire from myself. THAT IS MY LOVE. THAT IS MY LOVE Hear me, and speak from the same breath from you beautiful lips. hush. Hold on to your time and your words for I don’t want to hear them. this is my love and i’m sorry my love. My love is floored. This is my LOVE. THIS IS MY LOVE. and I’m sorry I cannon’t hold it yet, I expect you to weep. I cannot translate it, yet I expect you to perceive. I can not explain it yet I expect you to be here. please don’t hear me. please don’t carry my tears I’m strong (Kinda) My love is a flood MY LOVE IS A FLOOD. My love is not a flood Just A bunch of water I doubt I can hold in my hands therefore I doubt I would be able to give it to you therefor for you to hold it.  Though I can give you my body as long as you hold it with yours.

Something about cows.

April 15, 2015

“if i said it once I will say it again; Being human is fucking strange”

I find it very usual about people who don’t talk about how strange life is. It’s totally weird! I don’t know if it’s just me but being sentient is fucking odd. Everything is just kinda crazy. If you look at humans and ourselves from the perspective on DNA you realise how intricate our human bodies really are. Then you realise what it takes to make those specific bodies from humans like us having sex. That all the humans in the entire world that ever existed; a great deal of them affected the way you are born and what you look like. So pretty much the odds of you being alive as you are and who you are massive! you would probably have more chance winning the lottery the two million times in a row then have that body of yours. All your features not to mention your personality if you aren’t limited to go beyond biology. All the decisions that the human race have made an great deal of them also affected who you are and not only your personality but also the way we live our life. Not to mention just one other thing (thats also slightly important) The fucking universe. Thats when things get too much. I mean every time i think about space I feel like a kid on the playground and some older person just came up to me and said “Hey kid, do you see the sky? well beyond those blue sky where the stars all hang out? Is a fuck ton of space I mean there are other things in space but it’s mostly just space and there is so much of it like more then you can ever think of”.If you were to experience just some of space you would realise how big it actually is.(it’s one of those types of thing you can prepare your mind for until you see or travel it.

It’s just no one really talk about how big the universe is, also most people think it’s completely fine that the universe is just the size of the universe. and that a okay approach to the situation but my god we are flying around in a heap of space and we’re on this planet as a life form just doing what ever the fuck we’re doing some word that kinda like existing but more specific to sentient beings. I don’t know a name for it. There’s is simply just no better word then the silence that follows when thinking of a word to call it. Though that’s just casual knowledge. It feels like that stuff is meant to be common sense or common knowledge and not worth talking about or thinking about. which to me is the strangest part of being sentient

More sleep. Less Life.

April 14, 2015

“if i said it once I will say it again; Being human is fucking strange”

 

“We need a god”. Said the man boy to himself while alone in his room.

He contemplated if he should of said “I need a god”

It didn’t matter what he said really; he was alone in his room.

I,we,us they all mean the same thing to the man boy. They just don’t mean the same thing when other people are involved.

Alone; he was the representative for all human beings.

Alone he was his own god; but the man boy longed for another god to keep him company.

The man boy laid down to contemplate if what he wrote had any truth to it and the effects on being alone

Then suddenly and unbeknown to the man boy; his roommate’s cat emerge from the cupboard

 

 

 

loneliness is the cause of all wisdom, wisdom is the cause of all loneliness. Though one great truth will forever remain, we are all lonely . Hello. It’s been quite some time since i have posted anything (i don’t apologize) I have taking a almost great silence. Actually for the last few months I have been getting into the next chapter of my life. I feel like I have made a cocoon. I’m done with slithering around feeling disgusting, unworthy and limited. I want to explore, I want to see life to it’s fullest potential or at least make a effort too. I want to grow metaphoric wings and be free. (Though real wings would be cool) there is no limit for me. Truthfully I am seeking the truth about life. This next part may seem weird but I would like to be enlightenment. I would like to be wise and I would like to have a heck of a lot more self peace. This goal only makes sense to go for. I don’t want to see myself be anything else. From a young age when I first learnt about enlightenment and what it possibilities can lead to; it was always attractive. The idea of being and not wanting money or marital things or to impress people and be just content with what you have to me how is that not appealing? I actually thought everyone in my class (I was around 11) thought the same of it. Though almost everyone didn’t share my idea of what my thought of enlightenment was. I couldn’t learn much about this topic for a very long time but it stayed in me.It may have turned into dried up leaves but all it needed was a spark to catch a lite. Through my teenage years I have been quite distracted with life. Mostly with love.   Love and depression mostly were great to exercise my mind. I guess dealing with things, well for me anyway I kinda grasp the power of the mind and what it had to offer. Through manipulating your thoughts and experimenting my imagination kinda lead me to grow this will. Will to go deeper, to understand, to find peace within myself. All my life has seemed to be a series of lessons. I’m not afraid anymore to accept who I am. I will prevail with my journey to self peace. This blog is going to be a mark my first blog about my path. My next blogs will be all do to do with my journey. So forgive me if you read any of my previous blogs before this one. I was simply a worm.

Time: 7:18 pm

Day : Sunday

Date: March 9th

Year: 2014

I’m on a train ride home. Today I ventured to the gold coast. It’s only a express train away that may take you up to a hour or more or less. I visited my good friend Hayden. A friend of mine who I never really stop being friends with all those years ago. We talked ate chips and jumped a few fences. Talked about the universe and our paths growing old and how frightened we are of it. No one wants to grow old and those who do are liars or fools. We must find peace in growing old we must find peace now to have when we grow up (it may help). Little things help. The small things you do like writing a blog on the train ride home or making robot noises when taking ingredients out of a pantry or fridge helps me. Finding joy in small things helps it makes you feel better that you are you….i think.

After you say the title of this blog to anyone you should run away to grab something pointless (like a rock or a small chest) and on your return say “no wait you don’t need this”.

Sometimes I don’t know why I blog anymore. looking at my epic states I get 1 view every 2-3 day,s today I had one view and I’m pretty sure it was me though. I continue to blog I guess. I think maybe I just feel the need to express myself sometimes. I hate the idea of seeking attention or making some stupid Facebook status while in an attempt to express myself for people to like,comment on or just feel sorry for me. Those are the only three options for people when I express myself and my motivation would be to seek attention. Blogging when really the only people who would read these are mostly me or a drunken me or a friend( probably named Jordan) which we would both be drunk seems a bit unusual. Fuck showing people these sober I said to myself as I contemplated putting this on my Facebook sober. Facebook is strange I feel like every time I’m using it I’m trying to find the answer of why I’m using it. Though another reason I blog it seemed to be a trend or an outlet when I  feel life is a bit grim about life.

The past month or so I have been craving a female to hold and pretty much to make jokes with and talk too. I know mainstream thoughts would be “what about the sex” to my answer would be “that too” however I find it easier to control my appetite for sexual activities. I don’t know how to deal with the thirst for a conversation or a hug from a female who I want to converse with and hug. At these moments I just tell my body to shut up and reasure myself that I have heaps of time to find a girl. Though I should do something about it. I met this girl at a bus stop that I…….I don’t know, lets just say every time I’m at the bus stop I just hope she is there. Classic Kyle he meets some girl who he finds a few things he likes and instantly falls for (she asked me about the sun-set) oh bus stop girl.

 

I like to fantasize about things. It’s one crazy habit I have to the point where I don’t live on earth because I spend most of my time in my own head. I spent a few hours fantasizing about the bus stop girl. The story goes we become friends and she shows me around town because I’m quite new in the city. closer and closer we become and I find out she is actually a full-blooded lesbian (I’m sorry if that term offensive to any lesbians who read this)  I remain friends and we both are in a agreement to help each other find each other a perfect girl though I grow hopelessly in love with her and she doesn’t know.(yeah this could be a sit-com) anyway In the end she gets a girlfriend who catches on and confronts me about the situation. I confess she is the love of my life though I am/just as happy being her friend then being her lover you see for being with a person that you find amazing is worth being around then not being around. I had fun imagining this and I do find this situation quite interesting and also challenging plus a great contrast to what I normally imagine so I went all out. In case you are wondering what I normally fantasize about last night and most likely tonight will be Mech-warriors in the distant future (In a war that ended on earth and I had to be frozen in time and is now in the distant distant future. Tonight will probably be a plot twist to why I had to be frozen in time.

HAHAH I think I might just leave it there and go to sleep/ you know what……..MECH WARRIOR

wasssup.

Welcome. “Insanity it is I say” in my mind however the definition of insanity is a lot more serious then I will ever be. I guess when you can’t function like a normal person you are classified as crazy or strange yet no one can be normal so in fact we are all strange not crazy. Well thats sorta how I like to think about it yet why do I feel so different from everyone else. I have felt quite alone lately not the type where I’m single and I would like some female companion to hang out with and fuck.The type of one where I’m suddenly in realization of the fact that i’m the only one going through all my problems that are only unique to me. I’m the only person in the world going through my life and to top that all off I may be the only one who is actually conscious well more so the fact is that there is just no way to find that answer out.Which kinda relates to me being alone in a way that I may be the only person who thinks like me and you may be the only person who thinks like you. So indeed I just may be alone as myself In this whole universe however I got myself and in a way my “alone-ness” makes me unique and gives me reason to express myself. I mean come on if you are the only person in the universe who think/acts/is you then why wouldn’t you want to express yourself? then again whats the point expressing yourself?I guess to feed my insecurities maybe for fame? Money? love? sex? to be appreciated? none of that shit matters when/if you gain self peace why would it matter? if you really are the only you and you are fine with it you really don’t have to prove anything to anyone. Though how do you know that you are you?

Just be

May 8, 2013

People tell you your whole life to be yourself. Though its so much simpler then that. The truth is; just be. Don’t try and be yourself; just be. To exists to “just be”

The sky will be full of beauty while on the ground quite the opposite.

 

Deeper and and deeper I fall into this dullness. Days are hard to understand and I can honestly say I have lost my way. What is going on!? I search for such answer. I have come across these problems and every time I have conquered I have over come. I have won my battles but now oh now is the greatest fight. One that I will never forget. It’s funny how the mind wors and its even funnier how your mind works. You see I have ways of dealing with these mental problems I have calculation and understanding how and why but now, I can’t even scratch the serfece of my mind. I can’t understand what is going on anymore. I’m finding it so hard to grip onto reality and I cling to anything else that will offer me out of my torment like a child to his or hers mother. It’s deverstating. The worst part is this total lack of emotion. I feel nothing I feel so carefree to the point it makes me sick. I can’t even feel my own girlfriend’s love. I know it’s there I have just seemed to missplaced it. I’m starting to have brief head pains from just thinking to much. I miss caring about someone so much that it matters more to you then anything. Though I am so tormented that I can’t even lift a finger to do anything about it. Yeah I could lie I am capable of faking it but that is not what you do to someone you love or is it? I doubt I could even shed a tear if we departed from eacother. I know thats aweful to say but my mind is so twisted right now it will allow that. All I can say is sorry. The more I try and understand and change this darkness the more I start to believe I can’t. If I keep this up I will lose her but not only that. I;m afraid its lonleness forever for me. Though I can’t be selfish. She deserves a person who will love her. Me, I deserve nothing. I have let this happened it twas by my doing. I’m not strong enough to over come this i am not worthy of love. well thats my crazy man rant today.